Manic Music Monday: 13 Year Old Conor Oberst Wrote the Most Amazing Love Song

No, you read that right. At 13 years old, Conor Oberst wrote a love song with lyrics like:

And my planet is safe for now
Space invaders is getting closer
And my spaceship’s not sure how to fight them
To fight them without you
To fight them, to fight them without you

Upon hearing this song, I think I giggled for the entire four and a half minutes. There is so much puberty in this song, I think at 1:11, you pretty much hear his balls descend. This is my fucking everything right now.

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An Open Letter to Rompers This Summer

Dear Rompers,

Ohhhhh hey, you’re… back. Hi. Yeah, I guess since the weather has definitely warmed up in San Francisco I shouldn’t be surprised that you’re here, but… ha ha HEY, you’re… so… you know, hereStill. 

What was it? Like maybe, gosh, 10 years ago when you first showed up on the scene? You were EVERYWHERE, but most notoriously on every rack in Urban Outfitters and Forever 21. I think I was first introduced to you at H&M. You were white with blue and red stripes (very patriotic) and I thought to myself “What a great idea! It’s like an adult onesie! Just what I’ve always wanted!”

Baby onesies are cozy! They have the great, convenient little snap closures at the crotch for an easy escape route, and… oh wait, what? Rompers DON’T have that? Well then you’re not like a onesie at all, are you? You’re like the worst kind of stray jacket to be locked into when you’re in a public bathroom stall and realize that you have to get semi naked just to take a piss. YOU’RE NOT MY FRIEND AT ALL!

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Buttmunchin' much?

Buttmunchin’ much?

 

 

And I really didn’t want to bring this up but I’m so ticked right now that you’re back, but you have major camel toe. So major that you make me have camel toe and I hate that. No one likes getting a vedgie (vagina wedgie) anytime you raise your arms higher than your shoulders. Once you make this mistake and realize that you are in a  horrible crotch stifling contraption, you spend the rest of your day counting the minutes when to get rid of you.

Not to mention that you do NOTHING flattering to the woman’s form.

Eliminates the vedgie, but now I look like a smurf morphing into a potato sack.

Eliminates the vedgie, but now I look like a smurf morphing into a Chinatown plastic bag. PS. nice shoes.

So I’m sorry that I’m not sorry when I tell you that your kind really isn’t welcome around these (woman) parts this summer. Because the last thing I need in 80 degree weather with 99% humidity is vagina crotch-pit stains. I already have arm pit and boob sweat stains to deal with.
Please vacate the premises or I will have to release the hounds. And no, I’m not hot in this wool sweater, thank you.

Hugsandkisses,

Jenn

Everyone Has A Problem With The Fat Lady Louie Episode

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Anyone that knows me, knows that I love Louis CK. I’ve had people tell me “You know he’s probably grumpy and sweaty and smells bad, right?” Yeah and I’m totally okay with the idea of marrying him, maybe even sleeping with him once in a while. But last night’s episode of Louie, titled “So Did The Fat Lady”, kind of left me with a “huh.” moment that I was a little disappointed in having when it comes to my favorite stand up comic.

Here is the speech:

What I like: It’s pretty spot on. As a bigger girl, I know that obviously, there are going to be obstacles when it comes to dating men. Even the paunchiest, baldest dude is going to want to date the prettiest girl in the room and not give two shits about the fat girl standing next to him. And as a bigger girl, I try to use my sense of humor as a gateway to attractive men, only to be labeled as “The Funny Fat Chick”. So yeah, dating is hard for fat girls. And if we EVER complain about this, we are the biggest loser ever! So no. If you have a BMI that is above average, do not complain that you can’t get a date and that you’re lonely. You’re not allowed to. (But fuck, dudes, Give us a chance.)

What I didn’t like: SHE HAD TO FUCKING GUILT TRIP HIM INTO HOLDING HER GOD DAMN HAND. So basically, if I wanna date a nice guy, (not the most attractive guy, just a nice one) I have to trick him. I have to lay it on thick and just make him feel bad. Aaaaaaaaaaand that’s how I’ll get a boyfriend. Let me jot that down so I’ll remember it for my next okcupid date. I’m sure that will go over well.

The only thing that I can say, and I’ll quote Vanessa from last night’s episode is “Ugh, dammit. That is so goddamn disappointing, Louie.” 

Edit: This article from Vulture nails it. Everything I said, but you know, this. Better. Read it HERE.

The Abortion Rom-Com You’ve Been Waiting For! Just In Time For Summer!

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Last night, I saw a movie called Obvious Child, starring Jenny Slate, the voice from those Marcel the Shell shorts. Slate stars as a young New York stand up comic who get’s knocked up after having a one night fling with some MBA type. She then decides to get an abortion and awkward rom-com hilarity ensues! Hooray! Here are some of my thoughts:

1. I’m getting tired of the aDORKable trope

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“Oh I’m awkward and never say the right things always at inappropriate times and I have no filter, but I have amazing expensive clothes even though I work for minimum wage at a hipster bookstore and a funny voice, SO ROOT FOR ME because I’m so relatable! And now here’s the part where I dance in my underwear because I’m so carefree and young!”
Sigh. I’m sick of this kind of girl. That’s all.
However, Slate does bring a sort of lost, helplessness to the character that makes the “manic pixie” pill a little easier to swallow.

2. Like Girls, but longer.

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I don’t want to seem like I’m shitting all over this movie because I’m not. I liked it, the same way that I like watching Girls every Sunday. It’s made for millenials, complete with female characters saying things like “I’m having an emotional crisis” and talking themselves down while staring into a bathroom mirror during a dinner date. So many feelings!!
But unlike your typical Abortion Rom-Com (love that aisle in the video store), instead of having the baby daddy come in at the last second to encourage her to have a kid and work through it, they come to the very real decision that bringing a child into the world with someone you know NOTHING about might not be the smartest decision.

3. I couldn’t stop staring at Gaby Hoffman’s eyebrows.

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4. David Cross has a very memorable scene in the movie. I won’t give it away but I will say that it involves a woman’s floral camisole and me saying “wow, that is a lot of shoulder hair.” If that doesn’t whet your appetite, well then… you are probably a normal person.

Anyway, Obvious Child hits theaters June 6th! Go check it out for yourself

The Skeleton Twins Made Me Snortle

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This year’s hottest film festival movie is called The Skeleton Twins. It has everything: SNL alums Kristen Wiig and Stefon… I mean, Bill Hader, an amazing lip sync to the love theme from Mannequin, and a midget named Kevin. (Okay, there’s no midget named Kevin.) I decided to check it out last night at the San Francisco Film Fest. Here are some of my thoughts:

1. Soooooo this isn’t Bridesmaids 2?

“Holy hell, wait what? This isn’t funny” was my first thought watching the opening scene of the movie, in which Bill Hader slits his wrist in the bathtub. Cut to Kristen Wiig in another bathroom with a handful of pills contemplating her life. What the shit?? When does Maya Rudolf come into the bathroom to save her?
Wiig and Hader play twins, Maggie and Milo, that have been estranged for ten years that are brought together by failed suicide attempts. Yeah, if you’re looking for a raunchy SNL goofball romp, maybe The Skeleton Twins isn’t your thang. But if you’re into seeing a film where comedic character actors stretch their acting chops into dramatic territory SUCCESSFULLY, then yes, this movie is your bag.

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Kristen Wiig does an amazing job, but this is really Bill Hader’s vehicle. Who knew the same guy who does the voice of Flint Lockwood had such range? He brought depth to a role that could’ve easily been a cliche, one dimensional character. And the only reason why these two played these parts so well is because of their comedic background, and their understanding of finding the sweet spot in subtlety.

Also serving up some awesome performances are Ty Burrell and Luke Wilson, two actors also known for their comedic timing.

2. You’re gonna wanna call your sister. Or your brother. Or your twin you haven’t heard from in ten years.

The only two things I cry at in movies are, 1) Dying pets, usually dogs, and 2) Sibling stories. If you have siblings, you understand the weird “I hate you, you’re so annoying” feeling that is weirdly warped with “I fucking love you and would give my left nut for you.” There’s never anything simple about siblings. The relationships are messy and beautiful at the same time. And it seems for sibling relationships that have gone south, there’s always this nagging question of “Where did we go wrong?”

Notice that Bill Hader is reading Marley & Me.

Notice that Bill Hader is reading Marley & Me.

So yeah, being one of three girls with VERY STRONG personalities, the writing and the storytelling of rekindled sibling love totally resonated with me… and I shed a tear. And then I came home and talked to my sister.

3. Whattaya mean BILL HADER AND KRISTEN WIIG ARE HERE??

Yeah. So. At the end of the screening, the director Craig Johnson brought his friends Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig to the stage and as I reached for my phone, the camera wouldn’t turn on because it was working on 3% battery life. And I was like “Fuuuuuuck”. But that’s okay. Because who the hell cares, I’m seeing two of my favorite SNL people in the flesh.

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Well good news for you guys, The Skeleton Twins has been picked up for distribution by Roadside Pictures, so The Skeleton Twins will be popping up in a movie theater near you soon! Go see it. I laughed, I cried, I snortled (that’s the weird sound a midget makes when he laughs and cries at the same time)… excellent movie.