“Neil deGrasse Tyson has this amazing look… like as if Mr. Rogers and Craig Robinson got together and had an astrophysicist.” -some dude named Nathan
In this special episode of the Barefoot Contessa, entitled “The Cooking Life“, Ina Garten plays hostess to her very favorite friend (non-homo category), Patricia Wells.
1. When you have guests over, instead of spending time together, run errands separately throughout the day and leave each other notes using Faber-Castell calligraphy pens. “Love, Ina”
2. “Life is too short to peel a tomato.” Peasants.
3. “The first rule for overnight guests: Only invite people you REALLY love.” Other relatives can stay at the Holiday Inn at the Hamptons. I’m sure there’s a Groupon peasants get that will give you a deal on a room.
4. “Jeffrey is gonna love this.”*
5. When your friends are finally coming home from their book tour in Provence, nothing sounds better than… chicken chili. (Really?)
6. “Buy really good bread. Not the stuff from the grocery store.” Peasants.
7. “This is one of Jeffrey’s favorites.”*
8. “Only use THE BEST yogurt to make this Yogurt Sorbet recipe.” instructs Patricia. “Oh my gosh! This tastes just like frozen yogurt!” says Ina. Then bitch, you would’ve saved yourself a helluva lotta time and a whole container of THE BEST yogurt if you just drove to TCBY and got a swirl cone.
9. When making herbal ice tea, Ina picks up a box of Tazo with her thumb covering the label and says, all judgey-wudgey, “Not quite.” But opts for the package of Celestial Seasonings Red Zinger and Lemon Zinger teabags. Only use the very best.
*Sadly, Jeffrey, Ina’s emasculated husband, never appears in this episode of Barefoot Contessa. The show instead ends with a midnight snack of cinnamon toast (not made on grocery store bread) that the two women giggle about in robes. “Don’t tell Jeffrey.”
10. Strictly Vegetarians. Which I don’t get since I list “Pork” as one of the 6 things I can’t live without.
*I also do not get Jewish men messaging me as much. Shocker.
9. Burners. So many Burners.
8. Guys that do not live in San Francisco. (Apparently, I am a big hit in places like Atlanta, Austin, and Brooklyn.)
7. Men that like to fish... or just hold fish.
6. Boys who don’t know how to use the cropping tool for their photos, but do know how to blur their friend’s faces in group pictures. So they just look like sex offenders taking photos with their victims whose identities have been concealed for their privacy and safety.
5. Open relationshippers/Polyamorous/Married.
4. Guys who include a picture of themselves with their very attractive best female friend, making it quite obvious that the only reason they are on okcupid is because said friend will not give them time of day.
3. Dudes I have already dated
Oh… hi. Again.
2. Wedding officiants. A lot of people marrying other people. (Enter witty photo caption joke here… shortly followed by my fucking eye roll here.)
1. Ryan Gosling