An Open Letter to People Who Still Read The Blog I Started Last Year

Dear You Guys,

Oh hi.

So it’s been a hot minute since I’ve last updated this piece of shit. I guess that’s what happens when you go from Part-Time Art Gallery clerk to more than Full-Time Planner of Things (Stuff Category). So to actually carve out the time and a chunk of my day to update this blog with my musings about pop culture, life, and… politics (

So what’s up? Want a recap of stuff that’s gone down? Here are some highlights:

1. I’m pretty sure that in 2014, I farted about 5 years off my life. It was a great year and I want to thank La Taqueria, 4505 Meats, and milk for giving me that opportunity. I couldn’t have done it without the support of those great sponsors.

2. I went back home to Hawaii to eat fried chicken.That’s all. Is it weird or insensitive that I keep thinking I have to drain my mom’s head of recipes before she croaks? But everytime I call her, I feel like I have to sift through all the other stuff she wants to tell me about in order to get to the good stuff. All I wanna know is what she puts in that weird brown egg and pork dish that every Asian mom has a recipe for, but I have to listen to her chirp for an hour about how she doesn’t know why my sisters don’t call her.

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3.I started drawing again. And by drawing I mean like those doodles you did in the margins of your college notebooks to prevent you from passing out due to being hungover from the night before. But I think I’m gonna make my own brand of Emojis called Jemojis… they’re just more expressive and better and you can for sure tell that all the Jemojis are Asian. None of this “guess what ethnicity this yellow emoji” is.

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4. I joined the awkward world of Tinder! Hooray! Now I can tell how much herpes is in a 3 mile radius of me! I went out on one date with a hot Irish guy that I knew absolutely nothing about and couldn’t understand anything he said because he sounded like he had Blarney stones in his mouth. But he’s the closest thing I would ever have to dating Michael Fassbender. Thanks Tinder!

5. Swimming is the greatest thing ever. So when I was in Hawaii, I guess I had this realization that I love the water and swimming and it’s pretty much the only “nature-loving” thing about me. I could care less about trees and mountains and shit, but give me water and I’m all about it. So I squeeze myself into a bathing suit and swim twice a week. Sometimes it’s difficult. The bathing suit part, not the swimming. It had been so long that I didn’t even own a swimsuit, and getting into one was like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube you squeezed it from. But I managed to find one that keeps my goods in and doesn’t make me look too much like a water mammal.

shamu

6. Jurassic World is coming out.

I love dinosaurs. I really do. And I love that I know that there are more years between when T-Rex and Stegosaurus existed than there is between when mankind and T-Rex existed. Mind…blown. You’re welcome.

7. Hugh Nguyen. This is really a story to be told out loud. Please, if you know me, ask me and I will tell you the great tale of Hugh Nguyen. Even if you don’t know me and would still like to know, give me your phone number and I will call at an inconvenient time and leave the longest voice mail explaining the greatness that is the story of Hugh Nguyen.

8. Louis CK made fried chicken.

9. …

10. … I guess that’s it.

5 Things I Thought During the South Napa Earthquake

1. If I react to this, then the earthquake wins… soooo I’m just gonna lay here until it stops.

2.I should get Lasik.

3. I ate all the beef jerky in my Earthquake kit that night I came home super drunk. What will I do for protein?

4. I really can’t wait to make a mixtape of Earthquake songs

Whole Lotta Shakin’ – Jerry Lee Lewis
Shake It Off- Mariah Carey
Shake It Off- Taylor Swift
Shake It Off- Wilco
Milkshake- Kelis
Hippy Hippy Shake- The Swinging Blue Jeans
Shake It Up – Florence and the Machine
My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion

5. I want to be buried in these pants

The Top Ten Dudes that OKCupid Is Convinced I’ll Be Into (And Usually They Are Wrong)

10.  Strictly Vegetarians. Which I don’t get since I list “Pork” as one of the 6 things I can’t live without.
*I also do not get Jewish men messaging me as much. Shocker.

9. Burners. So many Burners.

8. Guys that do not live in San Francisco. (Apparently, I am a big hit in places like Atlanta, Austin, and Brooklyn.)

7. Men that like to fish... or just hold fish.

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6. Boys who don’t know how to use the cropping tool for their photos, but do know how to blur their friend’s faces in group pictures. So they just look like sex offenders taking photos with their victims whose identities have been concealed for their privacy and safety.

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5. Open relationshippers/Polyamorous/Married.
5a. Mormons

4. Guys who include a picture of themselves with their very attractive best female friend, making it quite obvious that the only reason they are on okcupid is because said friend will not give them time of day. 

3. Dudes I have already dated
Oh… hi. Again.

2. Wedding officiants. A lot of people marrying other people. (Enter witty photo caption joke here… shortly followed by my fucking eye roll here.)

1. Ryan Gosling

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(I wish)

 

“Old Love” At A Young Age

A few weeks ago, a close friend invited me to watch him deliver the commencement speech at our old alma mater. Now, I’m not one for sentimentality or getting weepy over sepia-toned nostalgia, but after hearing the President’s Address at the graduation, even I couldn’t help but stifle a sniffle. No, it’s no David Foster Wallace or Baz Luhrman urging you to wear SPF.  It in no way comes across as a life lesson, and yet has just as big of an impact.

I ask you now to take one final quiz.  You need no paper or pen; you will not be graded. If you don’t know an answer, move on to the next question:

          1. Name the three wealthiest people in the world

          2. Name the last three Heisman Trophy winners

          3. Name the three most recent recipients of the Academy Award for best actress

          4. Name the last three authors who received the Nobel Prize for Literature

The next set of questions:

          1. Name three teachers who engaged and/or inspired you

          2. Name three friends who have helped you along the way

          3. Name three people you enjoy spending time with

          4. Name a few people who make you feel appreciated and special

If the second set of questions was easier to answer, it’s because the people who matter in our lives are not the ones with the most money or celebrity status or the best credentials.  They are the ones who care.  Sages of every age and culture recognize that worldly success has shallow roots while interpersonal bonds permeate through and through and perdure to the end.  Our society has developed vast institutions around things that are easy to count, not around things that matter most.

In 2005, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor unexpectedly announced that she was stepping down from the nation’s highest court to spend time with her husband, John, who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s prior to his death in 2009.  At the nursing home, John fell in love with another woman, and Justice O’Connor visited the couple often.  She admitted to being thrilled at sitting with them while they held hands together on the porch swing – because, she said, it was a relief for her to see her husband of 55 years so content, after having lost so much to dementia. 

Psychologist Mary Piper in reflecting on Justice O’Connor’s poignant and selfless love for her husband, observed that “young love is all about wanting to be happy; old love is about wanting someone else to be happy.” 

I wish you all lives enriched by deep and satisfying relationships – lives filled with people who care for you. Most of all, I wish you “old love” at a young age. -Father Stephen Privett

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Selfies 201, “The Highland”, and #becausesteak: The Final Day of New York

Day 4:
9:30 am: Start my walk from Crown Heights to Prospect Park. On google maps, it looks like it’s a couple of blocks away.

10:15 am: Arrive at Prospect Park station 45 minutes later. NY blocks are a lot longer than SF blocks. Even more so when it’s 20 degrees out and I can no longer feel my face.

10:15-12 pm: Morgan and I train into the city and get off near Madison Square Park. Sarah has said nothing but great things about Shake Shack. “Is that it?” Morgan says. “It’s outside.” We are freezing. We walk into Eataly and get mochas. We talk about friend maintenance and how much harder it is than we ever thought it would be. Friendship is like that other “-ship”, it’s just a relation to another person that needs to be taken care of and tended to. But we often let them fall to the wayside and get careless with them. We think of all the misbegotten friend/relation-ships we’ve had and I hold Morgan’s arm a little tighter when we walk out to meet Sarah.

12-1:30 pm: We nixed the Shake Shack and opt for in-door burgers at some place called Schnippet? Schnippers? We eat and take selfies. Sarah is especially good at this since she’s getting her masters in digital photography. “You must’ve tested out of Selfies 101 because you’re at like intermediate/advance levels,” I tell her. Meanwhile, I need a remedial course because this is what my selfies turn out looking like:

dude, check out that arm. double jointed 4 lyfe.

dude, check out that arm. double jointed 4 lyfe. gross.

 

2 pm: After walking for about 3 blocks, we decide that we’re cold again and want to get something to drink. We talk about how all New York restaurants have a poster up on how to perform the heimlich maneuver on someone who may be choking. Morgan says “My Dad had to give me the heimlich twice… both times because of steak.” “Becausesteak” becomes an overnight hashtag sensation.

2:30-3:45 pm: We say goodbye to Sarah as she leaves for class and I wonder if it will be another two years before I see her again. Morgan and I walk The Highline in Chelsea (which he keeps calling The Highland like he’s in Scotland or something). I talk about masturbation as an addiction, he talks about his love of decisive women. I don’t know what to do next.

3:45-4:45 pm: A goodbye train trip with Morgan where we talk about dead family members. Fun.

4:45-5 pm: I frantically try to figure out how I’m going to get to the airport, arrange for my pick up from SFO and pack everything in 15 minutes. I left my orange pen and my loofah at the apartment =(

7 pm: So long, New York! #Becausesteak

Where the Hell is Red Hook?, “Guilty Feet, I’ve Got No Rhythm”, and Bathing with Girls: Day 3 in New York

Day 3:
9:30 am: Ahmed calls and asks “God, did I wake you?” Apparently in the mornings I sound like Patty and/or Selma from the Simpsons.
10 am-11:15: So, Easy Like Sunday Morning by the Commodores was not written about a Sunday morning commute to Red Hook. There are no trains that get there, only buses.
11-3: Spend the day with Carlos, Ahmed and Peanut. We eat at Home-made, where they make seriously, the BEST breakfast potatoes I’ve ever had (the secret is dijon mustard). Carlos shakes a lot of hands, like he’s still running for class president, but this time people actually give a shit. I’m scared of saying anything offensive or doing anything that will get the councilman in trouble while we are on our lovely walk. But I can’t resist posing like this when given the opportunity:

"Can you take a picture of me with this pig drawing because if I ever want a tattoo, I want something I can reference..."

“Can you take a picture of me with this pig drawing because if I ever want a tattoo, I want something I can reference…”

5 pm: I get back to Crown Heights and ride into the city with Anil, who is heading to the airport. We sing Careless Whisper by George Michaels. I sing the part of the saxophone.
6 pm: At the cafe I’m recharging my phone at, the boy that makes my coffee is making conversation with me about what I’ve done that day and where I’m from. When I tell him that I’m seeing some of my friends from college and how we’ve been out of school for the past 10 years, he looks like he nearly shats himself and stops making conversation with me. Pffft. Fucking Ageist.
7-9:30: Meet with Lauren Smith, friend from college. We eat biscuits at Empire Biscuit and talk about Grey’s Anatomy.
10:30: Having the apartment to myself, I decide to soak in the tub using one of the 15 bottles of bubble bath our AirBnB has. I also set up my laptop so I can watch Girls and pop open a bottle of beer. This is how I spend my last night in New York.

2 Parts Leather Boot, 4 Parts Canal Street, 4 Parts Beer and a dash of Florida Water: Day 2 in New York

Day 2:
10 am: Anil wakes up and plays Jay Z. I drown it out with “Wind Beneath My Wings”
11 am: Anil and I train into Manhattan. There is a man of what appears to be Eastern European descent sullenly hugging a pole. Anil nudges me and says “You lek merry? He mek you wife.”

“I mek you wife.” “You come, we merry.” “You cook and clean me.” “I merry you.” “I teach you how to mek soup.” “You mek soup? I teach you.” “We very poor, we mek soup.” “Soup is med of water and-“ “Boot… leather boot. We mek leather boot soup.” “It is a custom my mudder mek in old country.” “It iz… 5 part water… to 1 part-“ “Leather boot. Meaning pair, so ack-chully, 2 part leather boot. Yes.” “Yes. It (how do you say?) maria-nates.” “Goot leather flavor. Strong leather flavor. Like dey boys we make when I poot my P in your wagina.” “I pronounce my Vs as Ws.” “Werry werry vet wagina” “Apparently, I haf trouble with W too.”
(This back and forth went on for pretty much the entire trip. When I look at my phone, the estimated time it took to get from Crown Heights to Manhattan was 47 minutes. This went on for almost 47 minutes.)

12 pm: We are late. I call Sarah to tell her that we are two blocks away. Anil stops and offers a hot girl directions which sets us back even later.

12:10 pm: We arrive at Momofuku. I am hungry and being near ramen bowls almost brings me to tears. They won’t seat us because Sarah is unknowingly on an express train heading for Brooklyn. I make plans to divorce her.

12:11 pm: Anil admires a photograph of hipster beardy dudes on the wall. They look like band members. The caption says it was taken in 1969. “They mean last week,” Anil says.

12:30 pm: Sarah arrives, I calm the fuck down and I eat.

1 pm: Sarah and I walk through SoHo to get to Chinatown. An Indian man hocking fake Dolce and Gabbana is saying something that sounds like “Jeggaloo, jeggaloo, jeggaloo, jeggaloo”.
“What the hell was that guy saying?”
“He was mixing ‘Check it out’ and ‘Take a look’.”
Check a look, check a look, check a look, check a look. The fact that Sarah deciphered this makes me want to marry her again.

1-4pm: “Check a look” x 145 and Florida Water?

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i seriously contemplate buying some. California is in a drought, afterall.

7-9:30 pm: meet Danny for dinner. Danny and I met almost 10 years ago (holy cow) through a little thing called MySpace (just in case you weren’t already feeling old) when we were both in the theater pool of SF. He is an amazing actor and all around good guy. I haven’t eaten a single vegetable in the past two days and fear scurvy. We eat beans and seitan in a Chinese restaurant. My fortune cookie says something along the lines “The one you love is closer than you think.” Danny has spent the entire dinner telling me that he is 3 parts crazy, 5 parts commitment phobe, and 2 parts broke, so I doubt my fortune means him. “Every month is like swinging on the monkey bars and each time the bars get further and further away and I’m just waiting for the day I fall off.” I’m convinced that the near-by love that my fortune was talking about is the Dominican teenager outside with the attempted mustache.

10 pm-1 am: Head over to Flatbush Farms to meet up with Anil, Sean and Morgan. Sean and I play the getting to know you game, Morgan gets drunk, Anil catches up with his friend Tasso. Sean quickly becomes the long lost encouraging Aunt, saying things like “You’re very funny. Why don’t you have a boyfriend? Your hair is so nice.” Thanks Aunty Sean.

4 am: Anil is downstairs in the lobby and needs to be let in. I tell him I’ve had the shits the entire night and go to bed.