An Open Letter to People Who Still Read The Blog I Started Last Year

Dear You Guys,

Oh hi.

So it’s been a hot minute since I’ve last updated this piece of shit. I guess that’s what happens when you go from Part-Time Art Gallery clerk to more than Full-Time Planner of Things (Stuff Category). So to actually carve out the time and a chunk of my day to update this blog with my musings about pop culture, life, and… politics (

So what’s up? Want a recap of stuff that’s gone down? Here are some highlights:

1. I’m pretty sure that in 2014, I farted about 5 years off my life. It was a great year and I want to thank La Taqueria, 4505 Meats, and milk for giving me that opportunity. I couldn’t have done it without the support of those great sponsors.

2. I went back home to Hawaii to eat fried chicken.That’s all. Is it weird or insensitive that I keep thinking I have to drain my mom’s head of recipes before she croaks? But everytime I call her, I feel like I have to sift through all the other stuff she wants to tell me about in order to get to the good stuff. All I wanna know is what she puts in that weird brown egg and pork dish that every Asian mom has a recipe for, but I have to listen to her chirp for an hour about how she doesn’t know why my sisters don’t call her.

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3.I started drawing again. And by drawing I mean like those doodles you did in the margins of your college notebooks to prevent you from passing out due to being hungover from the night before. But I think I’m gonna make my own brand of Emojis called Jemojis… they’re just more expressive and better and you can for sure tell that all the Jemojis are Asian. None of this “guess what ethnicity this yellow emoji” is.

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4. I joined the awkward world of Tinder! Hooray! Now I can tell how much herpes is in a 3 mile radius of me! I went out on one date with a hot Irish guy that I knew absolutely nothing about and couldn’t understand anything he said because he sounded like he had Blarney stones in his mouth. But he’s the closest thing I would ever have to dating Michael Fassbender. Thanks Tinder!

5. Swimming is the greatest thing ever. So when I was in Hawaii, I guess I had this realization that I love the water and swimming and it’s pretty much the only “nature-loving” thing about me. I could care less about trees and mountains and shit, but give me water and I’m all about it. So I squeeze myself into a bathing suit and swim twice a week. Sometimes it’s difficult. The bathing suit part, not the swimming. It had been so long that I didn’t even own a swimsuit, and getting into one was like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube you squeezed it from. But I managed to find one that keeps my goods in and doesn’t make me look too much like a water mammal.

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6. Jurassic World is coming out.

I love dinosaurs. I really do. And I love that I know that there are more years between when T-Rex and Stegosaurus existed than there is between when mankind and T-Rex existed. Mind…blown. You’re welcome.

7. Hugh Nguyen. This is really a story to be told out loud. Please, if you know me, ask me and I will tell you the great tale of Hugh Nguyen. Even if you don’t know me and would still like to know, give me your phone number and I will call at an inconvenient time and leave the longest voice mail explaining the greatness that is the story of Hugh Nguyen.

8. Louis CK made fried chicken.

9. …

10. … I guess that’s it.

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Ten Things I Learned While Watching An Hour of the Barefoot Contessa

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In this special episode of the Barefoot Contessa, entitled “The Cooking Life“, Ina Garten plays hostess to her very favorite friend (non-homo category), Patricia Wells. 

1. When you have guests over, instead of spending time together, run errands separately throughout the day and leave each other notes using Faber-Castell calligraphy pens. “Love, Ina”

2. “Life is too short to peel a tomato.” Peasants.

3. “The first rule for overnight guests: Only invite people you REALLY love.” Other relatives can stay at the Holiday Inn at the Hamptons. I’m sure there’s a Groupon peasants get that will give you a deal on a room.

4. “Jeffrey is gonna love this.”*

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5. When your friends are finally coming home from their book tour in Provence, nothing sounds better than… chicken chili. (Really?)

6. “Buy really good bread. Not the stuff from the grocery store.” Peasants.

7. “This is one of Jeffrey’s favorites.”*

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8. “Only use THE BEST yogurt to make this Yogurt Sorbet recipe.” instructs Patricia. “Oh my gosh! This tastes just like frozen yogurt!” says Ina. Then bitch, you would’ve saved yourself a helluva lotta time and a whole container of THE BEST yogurt if you just drove to TCBY and got a swirl cone.

9. When making herbal ice tea, Ina picks up a box of Tazo with her thumb covering the label and says, all judgey-wudgey, “Not quite.” But opts for the package of Celestial Seasonings Red Zinger and Lemon Zinger teabags. Only use the very best.

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*Sadly, Jeffrey, Ina’s emasculated husband, never appears in this episode of Barefoot Contessa. The show instead ends with a midnight snack of cinnamon toast (not made on grocery store bread) that the two women giggle about in robes. “Don’t tell Jeffrey.”

The Top Ten Dudes that OKCupid Is Convinced I’ll Be Into (And Usually They Are Wrong)

10.  Strictly Vegetarians. Which I don’t get since I list “Pork” as one of the 6 things I can’t live without.
*I also do not get Jewish men messaging me as much. Shocker.

9. Burners. So many Burners.

8. Guys that do not live in San Francisco. (Apparently, I am a big hit in places like Atlanta, Austin, and Brooklyn.)

7. Men that like to fish... or just hold fish.

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6. Boys who don’t know how to use the cropping tool for their photos, but do know how to blur their friend’s faces in group pictures. So they just look like sex offenders taking photos with their victims whose identities have been concealed for their privacy and safety.

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5. Open relationshippers/Polyamorous/Married.
5a. Mormons

4. Guys who include a picture of themselves with their very attractive best female friend, making it quite obvious that the only reason they are on okcupid is because said friend will not give them time of day. 

3. Dudes I have already dated
Oh… hi. Again.

2. Wedding officiants. A lot of people marrying other people. (Enter witty photo caption joke here… shortly followed by my fucking eye roll here.)

1. Ryan Gosling

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(I wish)

 

“Old Love” At A Young Age

A few weeks ago, a close friend invited me to watch him deliver the commencement speech at our old alma mater. Now, I’m not one for sentimentality or getting weepy over sepia-toned nostalgia, but after hearing the President’s Address at the graduation, even I couldn’t help but stifle a sniffle. No, it’s no David Foster Wallace or Baz Luhrman urging you to wear SPF.  It in no way comes across as a life lesson, and yet has just as big of an impact.

I ask you now to take one final quiz.  You need no paper or pen; you will not be graded. If you don’t know an answer, move on to the next question:

          1. Name the three wealthiest people in the world

          2. Name the last three Heisman Trophy winners

          3. Name the three most recent recipients of the Academy Award for best actress

          4. Name the last three authors who received the Nobel Prize for Literature

The next set of questions:

          1. Name three teachers who engaged and/or inspired you

          2. Name three friends who have helped you along the way

          3. Name three people you enjoy spending time with

          4. Name a few people who make you feel appreciated and special

If the second set of questions was easier to answer, it’s because the people who matter in our lives are not the ones with the most money or celebrity status or the best credentials.  They are the ones who care.  Sages of every age and culture recognize that worldly success has shallow roots while interpersonal bonds permeate through and through and perdure to the end.  Our society has developed vast institutions around things that are easy to count, not around things that matter most.

In 2005, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor unexpectedly announced that she was stepping down from the nation’s highest court to spend time with her husband, John, who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s prior to his death in 2009.  At the nursing home, John fell in love with another woman, and Justice O’Connor visited the couple often.  She admitted to being thrilled at sitting with them while they held hands together on the porch swing – because, she said, it was a relief for her to see her husband of 55 years so content, after having lost so much to dementia. 

Psychologist Mary Piper in reflecting on Justice O’Connor’s poignant and selfless love for her husband, observed that “young love is all about wanting to be happy; old love is about wanting someone else to be happy.” 

I wish you all lives enriched by deep and satisfying relationships – lives filled with people who care for you. Most of all, I wish you “old love” at a young age. -Father Stephen Privett

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An Open Letter to Rompers This Summer

Dear Rompers,

Ohhhhh hey, you’re… back. Hi. Yeah, I guess since the weather has definitely warmed up in San Francisco I shouldn’t be surprised that you’re here, but… ha ha HEY, you’re… so… you know, hereStill. 

What was it? Like maybe, gosh, 10 years ago when you first showed up on the scene? You were EVERYWHERE, but most notoriously on every rack in Urban Outfitters and Forever 21. I think I was first introduced to you at H&M. You were white with blue and red stripes (very patriotic) and I thought to myself “What a great idea! It’s like an adult onesie! Just what I’ve always wanted!”

Baby onesies are cozy! They have the great, convenient little snap closures at the crotch for an easy escape route, and… oh wait, what? Rompers DON’T have that? Well then you’re not like a onesie at all, are you? You’re like the worst kind of stray jacket to be locked into when you’re in a public bathroom stall and realize that you have to get semi naked just to take a piss. YOU’RE NOT MY FRIEND AT ALL!

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Buttmunchin' much?

Buttmunchin’ much?

 

 

And I really didn’t want to bring this up but I’m so ticked right now that you’re back, but you have major camel toe. So major that you make me have camel toe and I hate that. No one likes getting a vedgie (vagina wedgie) anytime you raise your arms higher than your shoulders. Once you make this mistake and realize that you are in a  horrible crotch stifling contraption, you spend the rest of your day counting the minutes when to get rid of you.

Not to mention that you do NOTHING flattering to the woman’s form.

Eliminates the vedgie, but now I look like a smurf morphing into a potato sack.

Eliminates the vedgie, but now I look like a smurf morphing into a Chinatown plastic bag. PS. nice shoes.

So I’m sorry that I’m not sorry when I tell you that your kind really isn’t welcome around these (woman) parts this summer. Because the last thing I need in 80 degree weather with 99% humidity is vagina crotch-pit stains. I already have arm pit and boob sweat stains to deal with.
Please vacate the premises or I will have to release the hounds. And no, I’m not hot in this wool sweater, thank you.

Hugsandkisses,

Jenn