10 Observations I Made While Marathoning All 7 Seasons of True Blood

I decided to start watching True Blood because… I hate myself. No. Joe Manganiello is in it. However, no one told me his character is only in it for, like 8 episodes and he’s not introduced until season 3. So, I mean, OF COURSE I had to watch it from the beginning…. and OF COURSE I have to find out how it all ends. Which means a month long binge fest of Sookie Stackhouse’s fang-banging shenanigans! God help me…. God help us all.

I. The ONLY way one can run through a cemetery is wearing white lingerie a la Sookie Stackhouse

I always wear this to sleep.

I always wear this to sleep.

2. Jason Stackhouse is the hillybilly poor man’s version of Ryan Reynolds.

jason ryan

3. What happened to Alexander Skarsgard’s eyebrows? They vanish more and more every season. Like my soul vanishes with every season I keep watching.

Like white male version of Whoopi Goldberg... but sooooo different.

Like a white male version of Whoopi Goldberg… but sooooo different.

4. There are no fat vampires.

5. If vampires have the power of mega speedwalking, why don’t they use it for EVERYTHING? Think of how productive their day-nights would be if they just used it all the time? Think of all the laundry they could do… all the groceries they could buy… all the house cleaning…

6. Bill Compton/Stephen Moyer is puke city, y’all. Look at his bangs, I mean, fangs.

Seriously... he has bangs.

Seriously… he has bangs.

7. After watching 7 years worth of this show, you start using “y’all” on the daily.

8.After watching 7 years worth of this show, you start to feel stupider and stupider with each passing episode.

9. For a second, listening to the theme song of the show, I was like “Oh, great, that Chris Isaak is making a comeback.”

10. Sookie is the dumbest name ever.

Sookie

Don Draper Makes Me Feel Cheap

mad-men

Anyone else find Mad Men’s final episode to be kind of disappointing? Some are touting it as a genius move by show creator Matt Weiner, but I dunno if I agree with that. To elude that Don Draper was the mind behind the “I’d Like To Buy the World a Coke” ad campaign wasn’t exactly the pay-off that I was hoping for.

This. This is what I’ve been waiting 7 years for?

Perhaps I’m missing the commentary. Maybe Weiner’s whole point of last night’s episode was supposed to be an “Aha!” moment, where the audience was supposed to finally realize that the entire 7 years that we’ve spent investing in the show, getting caught up in the sentimentality and nostalgia, was just the greatest sales pitch ever.

Yeah. Sure. I bought Meditations in an Emergency by Frank O’Hara and had a week where I pretended to really “get” poetry. I also researched Sharon Tate when people were drawing comparisons between her murder and Megan Draper with the red star tee. So I understand the “shallowness” of the show.

But it also allowed its audience to reflect on their own flaws and hopes. It became so much more to its watchers than just an entertaining hour every Sunday night. It was a history lesson, it was an examination of the human condition. It was story telling at its finest, the kind that tugs at your heartstrings and strikes chords.

Last night, it felt like instead of devoted fans of a remarkable show, it was suddenly revealed that we were merely just a client sitting in one of the board rooms of SC&P getting pitched the greatest idea of what a show should be to us. And ultimately, all it ends up being is a 15 second spot with a catchy jingle.

If that was in fact the angle of the final episode, then bravo. But to say that the final episode redeemed itself and that the pay off was worth it? To quote Don Draper himself “This never happened. It will shock you how much it never happened.”

An Open Letter to People Who Still Read The Blog I Started Last Year

Dear You Guys,

Oh hi.

So it’s been a hot minute since I’ve last updated this piece of shit. I guess that’s what happens when you go from Part-Time Art Gallery clerk to more than Full-Time Planner of Things (Stuff Category). So to actually carve out the time and a chunk of my day to update this blog with my musings about pop culture, life, and… politics (

So what’s up? Want a recap of stuff that’s gone down? Here are some highlights:

1. I’m pretty sure that in 2014, I farted about 5 years off my life. It was a great year and I want to thank La Taqueria, 4505 Meats, and milk for giving me that opportunity. I couldn’t have done it without the support of those great sponsors.

2. I went back home to Hawaii to eat fried chicken.That’s all. Is it weird or insensitive that I keep thinking I have to drain my mom’s head of recipes before she croaks? But everytime I call her, I feel like I have to sift through all the other stuff she wants to tell me about in order to get to the good stuff. All I wanna know is what she puts in that weird brown egg and pork dish that every Asian mom has a recipe for, but I have to listen to her chirp for an hour about how she doesn’t know why my sisters don’t call her.

IMG_20150217_122350

3.I started drawing again. And by drawing I mean like those doodles you did in the margins of your college notebooks to prevent you from passing out due to being hungover from the night before. But I think I’m gonna make my own brand of Emojis called Jemojis… they’re just more expressive and better and you can for sure tell that all the Jemojis are Asian. None of this “guess what ethnicity this yellow emoji” is.

IMG_20150423_070458

4. I joined the awkward world of Tinder! Hooray! Now I can tell how much herpes is in a 3 mile radius of me! I went out on one date with a hot Irish guy that I knew absolutely nothing about and couldn’t understand anything he said because he sounded like he had Blarney stones in his mouth. But he’s the closest thing I would ever have to dating Michael Fassbender. Thanks Tinder!

5. Swimming is the greatest thing ever. So when I was in Hawaii, I guess I had this realization that I love the water and swimming and it’s pretty much the only “nature-loving” thing about me. I could care less about trees and mountains and shit, but give me water and I’m all about it. So I squeeze myself into a bathing suit and swim twice a week. Sometimes it’s difficult. The bathing suit part, not the swimming. It had been so long that I didn’t even own a swimsuit, and getting into one was like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube you squeezed it from. But I managed to find one that keeps my goods in and doesn’t make me look too much like a water mammal.

shamu

6. Jurassic World is coming out.

I love dinosaurs. I really do. And I love that I know that there are more years between when T-Rex and Stegosaurus existed than there is between when mankind and T-Rex existed. Mind…blown. You’re welcome.

7. Hugh Nguyen. This is really a story to be told out loud. Please, if you know me, ask me and I will tell you the great tale of Hugh Nguyen. Even if you don’t know me and would still like to know, give me your phone number and I will call at an inconvenient time and leave the longest voice mail explaining the greatness that is the story of Hugh Nguyen.

8. Louis CK made fried chicken.

9. …

10. … I guess that’s it.

Things I Only Cry At While I’m PMSing

1. Youtube videos of rescue lions being reunited with their human rescuers. It’s a god damn roller coaster of emotions. This clip is only 48 seconds long, yet I lost 5 years off my life watching it… and felt like I had a baby at the same time.

0:00-0:05 “Oh cool… a guy and a lion.”
0:06-0:14 “Whoa, so homey is trying to open the cage?”
0:15-0:19 “Um… okay, dude, the lion is like pacing. That’s what they do when they’re about to get fed meat. I’ve been to the zoo.”
0:20-0:21 “Don’t open the cage.”
0:22-0:24 “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THE LION IS CHARGING! HIS FACE IS GOING TO BE EATEN OFF HIS FACE AND HE’S GONNA LOOK LIKE GUS FRING IN THAT ONE EPISODE OF BREAKING BAD!”
0:25-0:39 “Ohhhhh, tsk. Guys, they like love each other.”
0:40-0:48 *sobbing*

2. Rufus Wainwright songs. Especially “I Don’t Know What It Is”, which is exactly the explanation I have for my hormones during PMS week.

 

3. Thinking that Bill Murray died because Groundhog’s Day, Ghostbusters 2, and Rushmore were all playing on cable TV at the same time. You know they only do that when someone’s died

In Loving Memory...

In Loving Memory…

4. Painting. Because I’m so happy I get to do it or because I’m so frustrated that nothing is resembling what is in my mind palace. Or both.

5. When you have very specific cravings but you’re too moody/lazy/grumpy to make it, so you end up eating something that just IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT. So you just stand in the kitchen with a saucepan in one hand and a tomato in the other and just bawl your brains out because “This isn’t how you make pizza!!!”

 

 

Ten Things I Learned While Watching An Hour of the Barefoot Contessa

article-1370692-0B5F30F500000578-569_468x488

In this special episode of the Barefoot Contessa, entitled “The Cooking Life“, Ina Garten plays hostess to her very favorite friend (non-homo category), Patricia Wells. 

1. When you have guests over, instead of spending time together, run errands separately throughout the day and leave each other notes using Faber-Castell calligraphy pens. “Love, Ina”

2. “Life is too short to peel a tomato.” Peasants.

3. “The first rule for overnight guests: Only invite people you REALLY love.” Other relatives can stay at the Holiday Inn at the Hamptons. I’m sure there’s a Groupon peasants get that will give you a deal on a room.

4. “Jeffrey is gonna love this.”*

18338833

5. When your friends are finally coming home from their book tour in Provence, nothing sounds better than… chicken chili. (Really?)

6. “Buy really good bread. Not the stuff from the grocery store.” Peasants.

7. “This is one of Jeffrey’s favorites.”*

ina-jeffrey-kiss

8. “Only use THE BEST yogurt to make this Yogurt Sorbet recipe.” instructs Patricia. “Oh my gosh! This tastes just like frozen yogurt!” says Ina. Then bitch, you would’ve saved yourself a helluva lotta time and a whole container of THE BEST yogurt if you just drove to TCBY and got a swirl cone.

9. When making herbal ice tea, Ina picks up a box of Tazo with her thumb covering the label and says, all judgey-wudgey, “Not quite.” But opts for the package of Celestial Seasonings Red Zinger and Lemon Zinger teabags. Only use the very best.

10. store bought40b5ce9787933a70cc6c17bc483a2a45tumblr_mi2k88XsQl1s5yyguo1_400

*Sadly, Jeffrey, Ina’s emasculated husband, never appears in this episode of Barefoot Contessa. The show instead ends with a midnight snack of cinnamon toast (not made on grocery store bread) that the two women giggle about in robes. “Don’t tell Jeffrey.”