10 Observations I Made While Marathoning All 7 Seasons of True Blood

I decided to start watching True Blood because… I hate myself. No. Joe Manganiello is in it. However, no one told me his character is only in it for, like 8 episodes and he’s not introduced until season 3. So, I mean, OF COURSE I had to watch it from the beginning…. and OF COURSE I have to find out how it all ends. Which means a month long binge fest of Sookie Stackhouse’s fang-banging shenanigans! God help me…. God help us all.

I. The ONLY way one can run through a cemetery is wearing white lingerie a la Sookie Stackhouse

I always wear this to sleep.

I always wear this to sleep.

2. Jason Stackhouse is the hillybilly poor man’s version of Ryan Reynolds.

jason ryan

3. What happened to Alexander Skarsgard’s eyebrows? They vanish more and more every season. Like my soul vanishes with every season I keep watching.

Like white male version of Whoopi Goldberg... but sooooo different.

Like a white male version of Whoopi Goldberg… but sooooo different.

4. There are no fat vampires.

5. If vampires have the power of mega speedwalking, why don’t they use it for EVERYTHING? Think of how productive their day-nights would be if they just used it all the time? Think of all the laundry they could do… all the groceries they could buy… all the house cleaning…

6. Bill Compton/Stephen Moyer is puke city, y’all. Look at his bangs, I mean, fangs.

Seriously... he has bangs.

Seriously… he has bangs.

7. After watching 7 years worth of this show, you start using “y’all” on the daily.

8.After watching 7 years worth of this show, you start to feel stupider and stupider with each passing episode.

9.¬†For a second, listening to the theme song of the show, I was like “Oh, great, that Chris Isaak is making a comeback.”

10. Sookie is the dumbest name ever.